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Laughter Is The best Medicine

Lawyers typically aren't funny - unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide. They were compiled by a client of the Salt Lake City law firm of Johnson & Hatch. 
Q: What is your brother-in-law's name? 
A: Borofkin. 
Q: What's his first name? 
A: I can't remember. 
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name? 
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name! 

Q: And who is this person you are speaking of? 
A: My ex-widow said it. 

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities? 
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture. 

Q: So, after the anaesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp? 
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. 
Q: It was covered? 
A: Yes, bandaged. 
Q: Then, later on... what did you see? 
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head. 

Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? 
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that son-of-a-bitch, and she did! 

Q: Are you sexually active? 
A: No, I just lie there. 

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present? 
A: It indicates intercourse. 
Q: Male sperm? 
A: That is the only kind I know. 

Q: What is your name? 
A: Ernestine McDowell. 
Q: And what is your marital status? 
A: Fair 

Q: Are you married? 
A: No, I'm divorced. 
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? 
A: A lot of things I didn't know about. 

Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? 
A: Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words. 

The court: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any. 

Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work. 

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 
A: No. 
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? 
A: Picking them up in the air. 
Q: Where was the dog at this time? 
A: Attached to the ears. 

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? 
A: She is my daughter. 
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? 

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim? 

Q: ...and what did he do then? 
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead. 
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? 

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing? 
A: I could see his head. 
Q: And where was his head? 
A: Just above his shoulders. 

Q: ... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? 
A: The victim lived. 

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood. 

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas? 
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval. 

Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York? 
A: I refuse to answer that question. 
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago? 
A: I refuse to answer that question. 
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? 
A: No. 

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? 
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. 

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 
A: By death. 
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated? 

Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney? 
A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cheney and said he was really good. 

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? 
A: I will be three months November 8th. 
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? 
A: Yes. 
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? 

Q: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable? 
A: I used to be. 
Q: How many times have you committed suicide? 
A: Four times. 

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people. 

Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent? 
A: Yes, sir. 
Q: Before or after he died? 

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch. 
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it. 

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? 
A: MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 

Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to that time? 

Judge: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will indicate for the record that I approached this case with a completely open mind. 

Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you? 
A: Yes, she did. 
Q: Who did she say she was? 
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife. 

Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother. 
A: Yes. 
Q: How long have you known him? 

Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture? 
A: John Fletecher. 
Q: That's you? 
A: Yes, sir. 
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right? 

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact. 
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg. 

Q: Where were you on the bike at the time? 
A: On the seat. 
Q: I meant where is the street. 

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? 

Q: What happened then? 
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." 
Q: Did he kill you? 

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 

Q: Were you alone or by yourself? 

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian? 

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind? 

Q: So you were gone until you returned? 

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." 

Q: She had three children, right? 
A: Yes 
Q: How many were boys? 
A: None 
Q: Were there girls? 

Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? 
A: Not yet. 

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel? 
A: It was in the evening. the autopsy started about 8:30 pm. 
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? 
A: No, you stupid *&!%, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy! 

Before we recess, let's listen in on one last exchange - this one involving a child: 

Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, O.K.? 
A: Oral. 
Q: How old are you? 
A: Oral. 
Based on an unoriginal earwig forwarded by Sue Sinclair, November 1995.

Lawyer Jokes

Question & Answer Form Jokes
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do you call an automobile accident between 2 lawyers?
A: A Saab story.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: To sue the chicken on the other side.
Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they're boring.
Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.

Longer Jokes:

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!"
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Accountant brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied.
"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer.
Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No", replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."
"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."
"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks law'."
"Never heard of it", said Johnny.
The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours".
Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said.
So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "Alright, now it's my turn", said Johnny.
"Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
Three lawyers and three accountants got on the train in New York to go to a convention in DC. The three accountants bought a ticket each, but the three lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The accountants commented on the illegality of their action but the lawyers said, "Trust us--we're lawyers."
When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand shot out with the one ticket, which the conductor duly cancelled.
On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration for such a clever trick. "Well," they said modestly, "we ARE lawyers."
After the convention they all entered Union Station for the return trip home to New York. This time the accountants bought one ticket between them, while the lawyers did not buy any tickets at all. The accountants were amazed and said so. "Trust us," the three said. "We're lawyers."
When the conductor arrived, the three accountants quickly jumped up and went into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, the three lawyers got up and headed for the ajoining bathroom. As the last lawyer went by the accountant's bathroom, he knocked on the door. A hand shot out with the ticket, which the lawyer quickly grabbed before entering the other bathroom.
An attorney was painting his house, when a man approached asking if he could earn a few dollars. The attorney thought about it for a minute, and said, "Sure, take a can of this paint, go around to the back of the house, and paint my porch."
An hour later the man returned, saying he was finished. Surprised, the lawyer said, "Already?"
"Yes", the man said, "but it wasn't a Porch, it was a Mercedes!"
Lawyers for John think they have found solid grounds for an appeal of his murder conviction. They have discovered that he still has a lot of money. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A preacher and an attorney were talking one day about the mistakes they made in their respective professions, and how they dealt with them. The lawyer boasted that because he was a lawyer if he made a really big mistake he just shuffled a few papers and pulled a few legal maneuvers and covered it all up. If it was a small mistake he just ignored it and went on with life.
The attorney turned to the preacher and asked "How do you do it, pastor?"
The pastor said, "If it is a really large mistake I just turn to the Lord and ask forgiveness."
The attorney interrupted him and asked, "But what about small mistakes, how do you handle them?"
The preacher replied, "Well, just last Sunday in my sermon I was quoting Jesus from the gospel of John chapter 8 where he said, 'You are your father the devil, he was a LIAR from the beginning.' Instead I said, 'You are of your father the devil, he was LAWYER from the beginning.'"
Upon hearing this the lawyer became indignant and retorted, "Well how did you handle it.?"
The preacher replied, "It was such a small mistake that I just ignored it and went on."
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure."
Why did God invent lawyers?
So that realtors would have someone to look down on. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to persuade him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"
The lawyer replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?"
Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.
"Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, needing a rest, they removed their packs and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the attorneys' rifles were too far away to do them any good.
Moving slowly, one attorney began to remove his shoes. "Why are you doing that?" asked the other.
"Because I can run faster without them," replied the first.
"I don't care how fast you can run, you'll never outrun a lion!" the second said.
The now-barefoot attorney explained, "I don't have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun you!"
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "no." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--New Mexico State University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
"Two million dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double."
The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."
nstantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"
"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."
A pedestrian was standing on the sidewalk when he saw a funeral procession. The procession had two hearses followed by a man walking a dog. Directly behind the man was a single-file line of at least two hundred people.
Curious, the pedestrian approached the man walking the dog and asked what was going on. The man with the dog replied that in the first hearse was his ex-wife's lawyer. The pedestrian asked how the man died, and was told that the dog had bitten the lawyer and two days later the man had died.
The pedestrian then asked about the second hearse whereupon the man with the dog explained that he was the lawyer who had represented his business partner in a long and vicious business breakup. The man with the dog went on to explain that the other lawyer too had been bitten by the dog, and had died two days later.
The pedestrian pondered this information for a moment the whispered in the dog owner's ear, "Say, would you mind if I borrowed your dog for a while?"
Without missing a step, the dog owner replied, "OK by me fella, but you're gonna have to wait your turn in line like everyone else".
Did you hear about Robby Knievel's newest stunt?
He will attempt to jump 1,000 attorneys with a bulldozer.
How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers found a penny.
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
"No," the coroner replied.
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
The coroner said, "No."
"Did you check for breathing?", asked the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, "No."
The attorney asked, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
Art Ellingsen sent in the following and swears it's a true story:
Last October while in Philadelphia on a business trip, I took one afternoon off to see the Liberty Bell and other historic sites downtown. Two young families were also in line to the see the sites and I overheard an interesting conversation between two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?", asked the first boy.
"Tommy", replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?", asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind." replied Tommy.
Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?
Lawyers are more plentiful than rats,
the lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers,
there are some things a rat just won't do, and
neither the animal rights activists nor the human rights activists get all upset about it.
What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?
It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. And his son? Bill. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
How many divorce attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one divorce attorney to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
How many judges does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, naturally) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!".
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honour," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"
"Well, your honour," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall to find anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground".
So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?".
The man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer".
Harry says "How can you tell?".
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
But that won't let people know who it is," protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "Who would believe a lawyer who said that the Czech was in the Male?"
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honour. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady came in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."

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