|
We
take great pride to bring before you some of the funniest happenings in
The court Room
Court
Humour The following exchanges are all
taken from REAL court transcripts Some of them involve stupid or confused
people, or outrageous lawyer babble, and some are just funny taken out of
context.
I'm
not entirely sure what the original source is.
Lawyer : What is your
brother-in-law's name?
Witness: Borofkin.
Lawyer : What's his first name?
Witness: I can't remember.
Lawyer : He's been your
brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
Witness: No. I tell you I'm too
excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan,
for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Lawyer : Did you ever stay all night
with this man in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer : Did you ever stay all night
with this man in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer : Did you ever stay all night
with this man in Miami?
Witness: No.
Lawyer : Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was
your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer : And by whose death was it
terminated?
Lawyer : Doctor, did you say he was
shot in the woods?
Witness: No, I said he was shot in the
lumbar region.
Lawyer : What is your name?
Witness: Ernestine McDowell.
Lawyer : And what is your marital
status?
Witness: Fair.
Lawyer : Are you married?
Witness: No, I'm divorced.
Lawyer : And what did your husband do
before you divorced him?
Witness: A lot of things I didn't know
about.
Lawyer : And who is this person you
are speaking of ?
Witness: My ex-widow said it.
Lawyer : How did you happen to go to Dr.
Cherney ?
Witness: Well, a gal down the road had had
several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Lawyer : Do you know how far
pregnant you are right now?
Witness: I will be three months November
8th.
Lawyer : Apparently then, the date
of conception was August 8th ?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer : What were you and your husband
doing at that time ?
Lawyer : Mrs. Smith, do you believe
that you are emotionally unstable?
Witness: I should be.
Lawyer : How many times have you
committed suicide?
Witness: Four times.
Lawyer : Doctor, how many autopsies
have you performed on dead people ?
Witness: All my autopsies have been
performed on dead people.
Lawyer : Were you acquainted with the
decedent ?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer : Before or after he died ?
Lawyer : Officer, what led you to believe
the defendant was under the influence?
Witness: Because he was argumentary and he
couldn't pronunciate his words.
Lawyer : What happened then?
Witness: He told me, he says, "I have
to kill you because you can identify me."
Lawyer : Did he kill you?
Witness: No.
Lawyer : Mrs. Jones, is your appearance
this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No. This is how I dress when I go
to work.
Lawyer : Did he pick the dog up by the
ears?
Witness: No.
Lawyer : What was he doing with the dog's
ears?
Witness: Picking them up in the air.
Lawyer: Where was the dog at this time?
Witness: Attached
to the ears.
Lawyer: When he went, had you gone and had
she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the
restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you
and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question
should be taken out and shot.
[This last exchange involves a child.]
Lawyer : And lastly, Gary, all your
responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
Witness: Oral.
Lawyer : How old are you?
Witness: Oral
[
Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal These are questions
actually asked by lawyers to witnesses during trials and, in certain
cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:]
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?"
"The
youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were
you present when your picture was taken?"
Q:
"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A:
"No."
Q:
"Did you check for blood pressure?"
A:
"No."
Q:
"Did you check for breathing?"
A:
"No."
Q: "So,
then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A:
"No."
Q:
"How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A:
"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But
could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A:
"It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere."
"Was
it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How
far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You
were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you
committed suicide?"
Q:
"So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A:
"Yes."
Q:
"And what were you doing at that time?"
Q:
"She had three children, right?"
A:
"Yes."
Q:
"How many were boys?"
A:
"None."
Q:
"Were there any girls?"
Q:
"You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A:
"Yes."
Q:
"And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q:
"Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A:
"I went to Europe, Sir."
Q:
"And you took your new wife?"
Q:
"How was your first marriage terminated?"
A:
"By death."
Q: "And
by who's death was it terminated?"
Q:
"Can you describe the individual?"
A:
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q:
"Was this a male, or a female?"
Q:
"Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?"
A:
"No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
Q:
"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A:
"All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q:
"All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A:
"Oral."
Q:
"Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A:
"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q:
"And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A:
"No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy."
Q:
"You were not shot in the fracas?"
A:
"No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
Q:
"Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A:
"I have been since early childhood." T
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why
drinking is good
Buffalo Theory...
A
herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd
is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of
the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest
brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells,
but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The men's guide to what a woman really means when she says something
You
want = You want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you
listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he
goes to sleep
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The
woman's guide to what a man is really saying...
"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
"Can
I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't
look that much different!
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out
of this
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On
the differences between men and women
On the differences between men and women Let's say a guy named Roger is
attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they
have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again
they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine,
and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as
of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is a silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said
that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm
trying to push him into some kind of obligation that doesn't want, or isn't sure
of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not sure I want this kind of relationship,
either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think
about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadly
toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other
at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children?
Toward a life time together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I
really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking:...so that means it was...let's see...February when we
started going out, which was after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme
check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading
this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy,
more commitment; maybe he has sensed--even before I sensed it--that I was
feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to
say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I
don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better
not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87
degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid
those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel
so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just
not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's
exactly want they're gonna say, the scum balls.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to
come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly
good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a
person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my
self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Roger", Elaine says loud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this", she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...I feel
so..."
(She breaks down, sobbing)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no
knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...It's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to
come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks it
might work.)
"Yes", he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time", says Elaine.
"Oh", says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become
very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse.
At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger", she says.
"Thank you", says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul,
and weeps until dawn, whereas Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of
Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of
a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in
the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back
there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand
what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also
Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and
tell them about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail,
they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time
and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of
meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss
this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored of it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his
and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse
|
