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Court Room Humour

Court Room Humour

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Laughter Is The best Medicine

Top 10 things that are dirty in law but aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, lets do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200.00/hr., she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
This local guy was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annulled.
"On what grounds?" questioned the Judge,

"This court does not take annulments lightly."

"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver."

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

Corruption In The Court Room

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Endless War

Two doctors had boarded a flight out of Delhi, one taking the window seat and the other, the middle seat. Just prior to take off, an lawyer boarded and took the aisle seat next to them. The lawyer kicked off his shoes and had no sooner settled in, when the doctor in the window seat decided he would get up and get himself a coke. The lawyer said, "No problem, I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the doctors picked up his shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the first doctor's coke, the other doctor decided that it looked so good, he would like one too. The lawyer said he would go and get one for him. While he was gone this time, the other doctor picked up the other shoe and spat in it. When the lawyer returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the remainder of the flight. As the plane was landing, the lawyer slipped his shoes on and knew immediately what had happened. "How long is this going to continue?" he asked. "This constant fighting between our professions. This lack of respect. This animosity. This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes!"

Do I Have A Right

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 for legal consultation.

Ethical Behavior

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant. "Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked." "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer. "But I did send them," said the defendant. "What?? You did?" "Yes, That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

We take great pride to bring before you some of the funniest happenings in The court Room
Court Humour The following exchanges are all taken from REAL court transcripts Some of them involve stupid or confused people, or outrageous lawyer babble, and some are just funny taken out of context.
I'm not entirely sure what the original source is.
Lawyer : What is your brother-in-law's name?
Witness: Borofkin.
Lawyer : What's his first name?
Witness: I can't remember.
Lawyer : He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
Witness: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Lawyer : Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer : Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer : Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
Witness: No.
Lawyer : Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer : And by whose death was it terminated?
Lawyer : Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Witness: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Lawyer : What is your name?
Witness: Ernestine McDowell.
Lawyer : And what is your marital status?
Witness: Fair.
Lawyer : Are you married?
Witness: No, I'm divorced.
Lawyer : And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
Witness: A lot of things I didn't know about.
Lawyer : And who is this person you are speaking of ?
Witness: My ex-widow said it.
Lawyer : How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney ?
Witness: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Lawyer : Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
Witness: I will be three months November 8th.
Lawyer : Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th ?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer : What were you and your husband doing at that time ?
Lawyer : Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
Witness: I should be.
Lawyer : How many times have you committed suicide?
Witness: Four times.
Lawyer : Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people ?
Witness: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Lawyer : Were you acquainted with the decedent ?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer : Before or after he died ?
Lawyer : Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Witness: Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Lawyer : What happened then?
Witness: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Lawyer : Did he kill you?
Witness: No.
Lawyer : Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
Lawyer : Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Witness: No.
Lawyer : What was he doing with the dog's ears?
Witness: Picking them up in the air.
Lawyer: Where was the dog at this time?
Witness: Attached to the ears.
Lawyer: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
[This last exchange involves a child.]
Lawyer : And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
Witness: Oral.
Lawyer : How old are you?
Witness: Oral

[ Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal These are questions actually asked by lawyers to witnesses during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:]
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't  know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
  "Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 
   "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
  A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
  Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
  Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood." T

Why drinking is good
Buffalo Theory...
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine
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The men's guide to what a woman really means when she says something
You want = You want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
 Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
 Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman's guide to what a man is really saying...
 "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
 I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
 "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
 "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the differences between men and women
On the differences between men and women Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is a silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadly toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a life time together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking:...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed--even before I sensed it--that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly want they're gonna say, the scum balls.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Roger", Elaine says loud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this", she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...I feel so..."
(She breaks down, sobbing)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...It's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks it might work.)
"Yes", he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time", says Elaine.
"Oh", says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger", she says.
"Thank you", says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and tell them about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored of it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse

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ISBN No: 978-81-928510-0-6