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In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. -- Lenny Bruce
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Why God never received a PhD

He had only one major publication.
It was in Hebrew.
It had no references.
It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
Some say he had his son teach the class.
He expelled his first two students for learning.
Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
No record of working well with colleagues.
Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Louise Auger, October 1997.
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Rules for Bank Robbers

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.

Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."

Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.

Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.

Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.

Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I. robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass. who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported.
Based on an unoriginal Laugh of the Day, June 1995.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
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man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."
One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country."
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A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
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Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night. He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.

Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: all of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."
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A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."
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Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"
The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."
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The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?", he asked.
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A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
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An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.
The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
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As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
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A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.
The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
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A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
-A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us."
"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"
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A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again.
"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead."
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
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A blizzard struck the law school town one February evening, and the next morning the streets were impassable. One law student who lived two miles from the campus and who normally commuted by elevated railway heard on the radio that the el was not running. Dutifully he trudged through the snow-filled sidewalks, arriving twenty minutes late for his Contracts class. There at the podium the professor was holding forth to an audience of one.
Instead of taking his regular seat, the student slipped into the seat next to the other fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture and after a while leaned toward the other student.
"What's he talking about?" he whispered.
"How should I know?" came the reply. "I only got here five minutes before you did."
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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me."
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The son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the future. He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his father's activities. He could be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately.

On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began the conversation as follows:
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows. Mr. Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his. In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows." The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in, a young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class. "My name is Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of the town," he said. "For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows. The cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows."

The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern. "My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows."

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be ours!"
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A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"
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A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.
After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.
The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
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You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice, to make sure.
I busted a mirror the other day. That's seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
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A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."

SHARKS AND LAWYERS: separated at birth?

"Shark" comes from the German "schurke," meaning greedy parasite. While no brave soul has gotten close enough to determine where lawyers come from, logic and common sense dictate a similar derivation.
Sharks, unlike most fish, have no bones; their skeletons are mad entirely of cartilage. Lawyers, too, are spineless - as willing to argue one side of a case as the other. For the right price.
Best known as scavengers of the dead and dying, sharks have well-honed sensors with which they can track the sounds of other injured and struggling beings. They are also equipped with fine senses of smell that allow them to detect minute dilutions of blood (one part blood to one million parts water) up to one-quarter mile away. Precisely the distance a hopeful personal injury lawyer will run behind an ambulance to toss a business card.
From the moment of birth, sharks' skin is tough and rough - covered with thousands of tiny hard teeth call denticles that abrade any passerby made of softer stuff. Lawyers are also thick-skinned. Easily identified by their humorlessness and abrasive personalities, they are the bane of many social gatherings.
A shark will swallow anything - up to half its own size - in one gulp. Several hundred years ago, a naturalist wrote that the headless body of a knight in armour was found in a white shark's stomach. Inside another was more recently found a sea lion, a horse and the body of another seven-foot-long shark. Lawyers, too, will swallow anything - even their pride - as increasing numbers of lawyer hopefuls trudge to law school each year for three years of browbeating in the hopes of financing their Porsches.
Some sharks even prey on their own kind. The smell and taste of blood in the water can trigger them into an obsessed Feeding Frenzy, in which they often eat their own bodies while twisting and turning to get more food. This is not unlike the Litigation Frenzy, where lawyers are pitted against other lawyers, and ultimately themselves, to waste reams of paper while losing sight of a fair resolution for their clients.
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An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
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Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said: "I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with color inside." The second doctor said: "I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered."
"Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys. They have only two parts, their ass and their mouth, and those are interchangeable."
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Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge."
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"In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls."
--Lenny Bruce
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A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."
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A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"
"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.
"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?"
"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."
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The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
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The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
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Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
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"I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."
Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.
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A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
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Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?"
"They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth," replied the devil. "What's your second question?"
"Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the lawyers' clock?"
Puzzled, the devil scanned the room. "Oh, yes!" he finally exclaimed. "We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."
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A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.

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