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Why
God never received a PhD
He had only one major publication.
It was in Hebrew.
It had no references.
It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
Some say he had his son teach the class.
He expelled his first two students for learning.
Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
No record of working well with colleagues.
Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Louise Auger, October 1997.
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Rules for Bank Robbers
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated
and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who
apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was
included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a
Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers
Almanac.
Clark
reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent
of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing
it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he
offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can
happen if the rules aren't followed:
Pick
the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in
Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and
had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the
bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She
turned him in.
Approach
the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in
Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street
until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the
police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and
her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him
until authorities arrived.
Don't
sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena
issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the
name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back
of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
Beware
of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank
with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his
"weapon."
Avoid
being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying,
"I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller
said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
Don't
advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face,
it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his
features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota
and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the
windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
Take
right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong
turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military
police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men
money.
Provide
your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she
carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank
robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
Don't
be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into
your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention
severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully
discovered.
Consider
another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I. robber, while trying to stuff
his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died
instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass.
who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still
unconscious when the police arrived.
In
view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for
example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank
holdups reported.
Based on an unoriginal Laugh of the Day, June 1995.
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Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said
one, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay,
you first," replied the other.
That
was the end of the discussion.
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- man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He
stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular,
"Lawyers are horses' asses."
One
of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, you'd better watch what
you say. You're in horse country."
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A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them
belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said,
"Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve,
making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest
profession."
The
engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from
chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering
is an older profession than medicine."
Then,
the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think
created all of the chaos and confusion?"
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Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he
came to a small town one cold winter's night. He entered the local general store
to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied
stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the
circle.
Dow
told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been
given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. When one of the
lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here:
all of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."
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A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress
potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the
door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but
my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your
problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then
turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for
you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your
phone."
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Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No
one would build a robot to do nothing.
A
man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He
asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"
The
man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."
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The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange
some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income
five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll
have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require
in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's
souls rot in hell for eternity."
The
lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?", he asked.
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A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was
approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor
mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I
never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during
a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The
lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
So,
the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also
sent one to the doctor.
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An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his
accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse
was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended
to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years
before his appeal could be heard.
The
attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell
on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he
would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney
was willing to change venue to Hell.
When
the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was
told, "We have all of the judges."
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As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would
allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called
for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At
my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take
it with me."
All
three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each
approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While
riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have
to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his
life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new
baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought
one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The
physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might
as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith
had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new
machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used
$20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another
patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The
lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into
that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
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A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new
$100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had
stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.
The
ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
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A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that
awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied,
"and what was your third question?"
-A
gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave
them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It
ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us."
"I
warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over
$100 when we broke in!"
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A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior
partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is
Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.
"I'm
very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist
answered.
"Is
Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.
The
receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid
Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is
Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again.
"Madam,
do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist.
"Mr. Smith is dead."
"I
understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it
often enough."
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A blizzard struck the law school town one February evening, and the next
morning the streets were impassable. One law student who lived two miles from
the campus and who normally commuted by elevated railway heard on the radio that
the el was not running. Dutifully he trudged through the snow-filled sidewalks,
arriving twenty minutes late for his Contracts class. There at the podium the
professor was holding forth to an audience of one.
Instead of taking his regular seat, the student slipped into the seat next to
the other fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture and after a while
leaned toward the other student.
"What's he talking about?" he whispered.
"How should I know?" came the reply. "I only got here five
minutes before you did."
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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time
and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and
an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After
a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind
him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're
under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But
the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's
message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried
under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't
dare shoot me."
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The son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the
future. He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he
might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his father's
activities. He could be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. This way,
he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this to
be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately. On his son's
first day at work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with
calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began the conversation as follows:
"Mr.
Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on the east side
of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some
cows. I have raised the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my
understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows. Mr. Gonzales died and
his son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised
on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his. In short, we have a dispute
as to the ownership of the cows." The lawyer said, "I have heard
enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After
the tenant farmer left, the next client came in, a young, well-dressed man,
clearly a member of the landed class. "My name is Gonzales. I own a farm on
the east side of the town," he said. "For many years, a tenant farmer
has worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows. The
cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they
belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared
for them, they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the
cows."
The
lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT
THE COWS!"
After
the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern.
"My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have a
serious problem regarding these cows."
"DON'T
WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be ours!"
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A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had
attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision,
which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram
to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back,
"Appeal at once!"
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A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car
to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in
a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby
farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only
two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the
farm animals.
After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly
after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside
answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not
sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days
when everyone called him a pig.
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short
time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that
the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago
fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a
fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.
The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the
barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock
was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the
very indignant cows and pigs.
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You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a
gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice, to make sure.
I busted a mirror the other day. That's seven years bad luck, but my
lawyer thinks he can get me five.
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A man woke up in a
hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight.
How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man
would survive the night.
The
man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man
asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood
on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained
silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man
replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check
out the same way."
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SHARKS AND LAWYERS: separated at birth?
"Shark" comes from the German "schurke," meaning greedy
parasite. While no brave soul has gotten close enough to determine where lawyers
come from, logic and common sense dictate a similar derivation.
Sharks, unlike most fish, have no bones; their skeletons are mad entirely
of cartilage. Lawyers, too, are spineless - as willing to argue one side of a
case as the other. For the right price.
Best known as scavengers of the dead and dying, sharks have well-honed
sensors with which they can track the sounds of other injured and struggling
beings. They are also equipped with fine senses of smell that allow them to
detect minute dilutions of blood (one part blood to one million parts water) up
to one-quarter mile away. Precisely the distance a hopeful personal injury
lawyer will run behind an ambulance to toss a business card.
From the moment of birth, sharks' skin is tough and rough - covered with
thousands of tiny hard teeth call denticles that abrade any passerby made of
softer stuff. Lawyers are also thick-skinned. Easily identified by their
humorlessness and abrasive personalities, they are the bane of many social
gatherings.
A shark will swallow anything - up to half its own size - in one gulp.
Several hundred years ago, a naturalist wrote that the headless body of a knight
in armour was found in a white shark's stomach. Inside another was more recently
found a sea lion, a horse and the body of another seven-foot-long shark.
Lawyers, too, will swallow anything - even their pride - as increasing numbers
of lawyer hopefuls trudge to law school each year for three years of browbeating
in the hopes of financing their Porsches.
Some sharks even prey on their own kind. The smell and taste of blood in
the water can trigger them into an obsessed Feeding Frenzy, in which they often
eat their own bodies while twisting and turning to get more food. This is not
unlike the Litigation Frenzy, where lawyers are pitted against other lawyers,
and ultimately themselves, to waste reams of paper while losing sight of a fair
resolution for their clients.
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An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew
to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency
landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was
buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one
lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
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Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said:
"I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with color
inside." The second doctor said: "I much prefer engineers. When you
cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered."
"Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys.
They have only two parts, their ass and their mouth, and those are
interchangeable."
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Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general,
were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most
sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and
accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they
know how to charge."
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"In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls."
--Lenny Bruce
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A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a
man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant
is sentenced to 30 days."
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A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to
have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury
what she said?"
"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the
question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.
"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the
question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast
on December 3rd?"
"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."
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The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to
tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
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The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If
you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and
convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title,
claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice,
pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut,
freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the
pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any
deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the
contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
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Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately,
lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive
every 18 months.
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers
are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
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"I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She
thinks I'm still a pimp."
Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach
resort?
Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.
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A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking
toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to
cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied.
"But I did yell 'fore'."
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Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with
clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of
a different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the
devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a
different speed?"
"They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth,"
replied the devil. "What's your second question?"
"Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my
occupation. Where is the lawyers' clock?"
Puzzled, the devil scanned the room. "Oh, yes!" he finally
exclaimed. "We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."
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A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said
"I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed
by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here
because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my
insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he
asked.
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